My Parenting Diary

if she wants something material), and then straighten up just in time to be able to get what she wants. I feel that that's what she's doing now, too--shouldn't she have to demonstrate her good behavior at the group home for the entire week, if she wants to have that home visit on the weekends? She's grounded (again!) at the home, and I really feel that she needs to be able to get through the week without being grounded to get privileges. The home works on attaining "levels" through behavior, acceptance of responsibility, etc.; **** has been unable to make it past Level One, the level that the girls are placed on when they first come to the home.
     I think that I will speak to her counselor and her probation officer today, and see what they think of my (and my husband's) feelings on this. I'll let you know what happens!

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     Sept. 21, 1998

     ****'s PO was reached, and her response to the discovery of the pot was to say, "Call the police!" The police didn't do much of anything, I guess because it was a small amount, but it was still a violation of her probation. **** was furious that we (the adults involved) would actually call the police on her.
     **** didn't come home this weekend, and she was furious about that, too. I told her counselor that she is NOT to come home until she can keep it together at the group home for the week. The family counseling session today will be interesting, anyway--she will have a lot of animosity built up.
     The mother of the other girl and I talked, and decided that there would be no overnight stays until she and I had a chance to meet each other's daughters, and have them stay at each other's houses for a few hours at a time first. The other girl is doing well, and I don't want **** to set her progress back. Just because **** has decided to not take any responsibility for her own actions, doesn't mean that she can do it to someone else, too.
       There will be a court review of ****'s progress (or lack of it) on October 14th. At that time, the judge will decide where **** goes from here.
     There are 5 members in the support group now!

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     Sept. 23, 1998

     **** has gone AWOL from the group home--she left about 5 PM last night, and nothing has been heard from her since. She doesn't even know that her grandma died at app. 2:15 this morning--she left just before her dad got there to tell her about his mother being taken off life-support. She got two other girls to leave with her. I wish I knew if she is all right--she may be 16, but I still see the skinny, big-eyed little girl that she was, the one that loved her mommy, and wasn't so full of anger.
     I feel like my head is breaking--the stress, and the crying, I guess.

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     Sept. 24, 1998

     **** came home last night, or rather, at about one this morning. She came in crying, and tried to tell me that she had been held at a house against her will. She also tried to convince me that she had been raped--I'm sorry, but I don't believe that someone who's been raped (and I've had it happen to me) would be blithely making a sandwich, and bragging to my husband about how drunk she had gotten while she was gone. I think that she just decided that if she was going to get into trouble, she was going to blow everything all at once. She came in with a big hickey, and a bigger attitude. The police came and took her back to the group home after about an hour or so. ****'s PO hasn't been reached yet, but when she is, **** will probably be going to juvey for awhile.
     ****'s sister had been out all night looking for ****, along with a group of her friends--when I called her and told her that **** had made her way home, she broke down and cried. Her dad, in addition to dealing with his mom's death, has been sick with worry for ****. It's so unfair that everyone else has to suffer because of her selfishness.
     On top of everything else, **** didn't have her meds while she was gone--and that includes her birth control pills. Like I need THAT to worry about, too.....
       I don't know where things will go from here.

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Oct. 2, 1998

Phew--just talked to ****'s counselor, and the news isn't good. Her PO still isn't back from her vacation, so once again, there hasn't been immediate consequences for her actions. She was due to have court on Monday for her theft charge, and a court review on the 14th of how her placement is going--I hope that they just do both on the 5th. ****'s not been doing any of her chores at the home, and tells people to "f--- off" when confronted with her behavior. There's nothing more I can do, at this point. There's a part of me that does want her to go to juvey for a month--maybe scare her into looking at her life. She's 16--from here on in, it's a matter of her making choices. I've done the best I can for her. I truly believe, however, that kids come back to the way they were raised (at least, most of the time!).

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     Oct. 5, 1998

     Well, we had court today---and it was really difficult for all of us, I think.
     **** showed up in a preppy-type dress, with little make-up, a small toy in hand (at 16!), and a pink rose for me. Egad.
     The reports from the County Att'y, her PO, and her lawyer all made it sound like she was trying, for the most part, and was just fine where she is. The charges of theft and possession of pot were dropped, in exchange for an admission of guilt on the charge of runaway, a violation of her probation.   So, she got away scot-free on the thefts, and there were no consequences for her actions, once again.
     When her couselor from the group home was asked for her opinion, she let them have it. She told the court that **** only cooperated about 30% of the time, had an attitude problem, and was in danger of being expelled from school. The judge asked her if she felt that **** would benefit from detention, and Colleen (her counselor) said 'yes'.
     Then, the judge asked me for my feelings. I told him that I felt that up to now, **** had only been given token slaps on the wrist for her actions, and that something drastic had to happen, if **** was to get her act together before she turned eighteen in a year-and-a-half. When he asked me if I thought that detention would do any good, I said that although it was very hard to say in front of ****, that yes, I thought it might wake her up. By then, I was sobbing, and so was she.
     **** was given detention, but for a whole 48 hrs.-- she can do that with no problem. She can maintain good behavior for a couple of days at a time. In three weeks, the case will be re-evaluated, and at that time the court will decide if she has done enough of a turn-around to stay where she is, or if she should go back to juvey for a more extended stay. Tough love is so hard to do---but I've seen it work.
     Pray for me!

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     Oct. 20, 1998

     Had family counseling again yeaterday--we do almost every Monday afternoon at 3, unless circumstances prevent. She was on a manic high--talked, laughed, and made everyone else laugh, as well. I would have enjoyed it a lot more if I didn't know that it was a manic high--very temporary.
     **** spent the weekend at her sister's, and spent some "quality time" with her (I hate that expression--it is SO overworked--anyone have a new one to suggest?). She may come home here next weekend, depending on her behavior the remainder of this week. I dread the weekends--even if they go well, I spend the whole time on pins and needles, waiting for the proverbial "other shoe to drop". She's supposed to have broken the contacts that she had on this side of town, but she still wants to call them, "just to tell them that she can't talk to them anymore"!
     Do you think I can possibly fit any more parentheses or quotation marks into that paragraph?? LOL =)
     We have court again this next Monday, to reevaluate her behavior since the last court appearance. I'm NOT looking forward to it--I don't sleep the night before these things.
     Hope some of you are checking out my support page, since there are a lot of topics being handled there.
     (((hugs))) to all who read this, since the odds are that you are facing the same sort of things.

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     Nov. 3, 1998

     We had counseling yesterday, and it went rather well--**** even told me "thank you" for the things I have taught her and the other kids, like history, art,
music, literature, humor, etc. My oldest felt that knowing how to properly set a table, and how to use the utensils when eating, was a waste of time--until
the time she went to a fancy luncheon, and knew what to do without embarassment. It was so nice to get some acknowledgement for the years of effort!
     On the other hand, because of the times of trouble, I tend to look at anything positive that she says as a method of manipulation. It'll take some more healing before I can take things like that at face value.

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     Dec. 7, '98

     It's been a while since I've written, but I have a good excuse, really! My Hepatitis C has caused severe eye problems, and I may still lose the sight in my left eye. It's a rare degenerative condition, and is causing my cornea to melt away, resulting in a lot of pain and discomfort, and very frequent doctor visits. The doctors are flying by the seat of their pants on this one. I had to have emergency surgery, which was interesting--to be awake, and aware, but immobile, and to be able to watch as the doctor cut at my cornea. (*shudder*)
     **** was home for Thanksgiving, and it went pretty well, right up 'til the end. By then, her good behavior resevoir was pretty well played out, and when her brother touched her, she reacted way too strongly. She likes to invade others' space, but doesn't want anyone in hers. She was very helpful to Charlie, and to me, though, since I was virtually blind that weekend. Couldn't even fix Turkey Day dinner, or go to someone's house for it--I was WAY too sensitive to light to leave my darkened room.
     **** was home this last weekend, too, and is starting to think of this as her home again, instead of her prison. She really dragged her feet about going back to the group home last night, and for the first time in about a year, I didn't want to see her go. I know that sounds mean, but usually her departure signalled the end of the tension that had escalated while she was home.
     **** won't be home next weekend, but will be the weekend of the 19th, which is my birthday. She'll also spend a lot of time during Christmas. I don't know about New Year's yet--her counselor said that the girls don't usually go home on that holiday. The only reason I can come up with is the drinking associated with the holiday.
     ****'s counselor has intimated that **** may be home as soon as next month--that will mark a year since she was placed in the system. Kind of an anniversary gift,   I guess. I hope they don't just cut her loose, but keep her on probation--that seems to help keep her thinking about her actions, and their possible repercussions. I'd also like to see counseling continue.
     I'll write again after the holidays, and I'll update this--unless, of course, things fall apart during her stay. I guess, after so much, I'm never completely confident that she's changed for good.
     That will take time.

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