Diary: Page 3

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     April 19, '99

     Tripod hasn't been taking any changes, so I couldn't get any updates to this diary.
       **** has been home a lot, and now stays on Friday nights, as well. This weekend is the one where she stays at the home, but she seems to be handling that better than before.
     She brought home her clothing allowance, and went shopping with her father and got underwear, shoes, and clothes. She's lost over 50 pounds since she went into the system, and enjoys getting new clothes a lot more now.
       We're still doing counseling over the 'phone on Monday evenings; my eye is much better, but I still avoid leaving the house as much as possible. Now that I am back on my Hepatitis meds, I am much more tired, and more depressed, but they ARE helping my eye to heal.
     **** tried to talk to her father about her feelings this weekend--she wanted him to know that if something happened to me, that she wanted to
continue to live with my husband, not go back to her father's home. His wife and **** don't get along at all. Her father got upset, and started bringing up all kinds of old issues, causing **** to come flying into the house, crying. I talked to her, reminding her that we have spent the past 16 months learning to let go of the past, and deal with the present. Her father hasn't learned to do that yet. I think that he was hurt, and thought he would hurt in return. Not very mature, but typical.
     Summer has hit Arizona--we are into 100* temperatures already. I live for the next winter season--I'm in the wrong state, for a person who hates heat,
and loves the temperatures to be in the 60's and 70's. You can always put on an extra quilt or two--but when you get down to bare naked skin, there's not much else to take off! All summer, I console myself with the thought that Halloween is on the way--by then, our evenings are cooling off again. The cooler weather lasted longer this year, and we even had snow twice here in the Valley!
     We have almost 50 members in the support group now, and it's been visited almost 14,000 times! I never dreamed---!
     Thank you for taking the time, and for your sharing.

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     April 22, '99

     It looks like **** will be home on May 19th, the day after her school gets out. She has made an advent-type chain to count off the days. There are going to be some aspects of being in the group home that she will miss--the trips, the sport and cultural events that have tickets donated for the girls, and the amount of gifts that she got at Christmas (the girls have sponsors that give gifts, and help defray costs). She might also miss the strict structure that she's lived with for almost a year and a half now.
     Pray for our children--these shootings at the Columbine High School in Littleton, Colorado, make me so sad.

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     May 10, '99

     Yesterday was Mother's Day, and it was one of those days where you don't know whether to say that it was a good one or not! My oldest came over for brunch, and ****, my son-in-law, and my husband made breakfast. THAT was nice. However, I ended up doing the clean-up--surprise, right? Then, my husband ended up being gone most of the day. **** was home for the weekend, and I enjoyed her being here, but I think she was coming down with a bad cold (or strep throat), and I was worried about her. My oldest was supposed to go out for dinner, but her plans changed, and they stayed here all day--I love them being here, but it wears me out (the hepatitis). The three year old had already stayed over for 2 nights, and the 2 year old is into everything--at least the baby (9 months!) isn't mobile yet.
     **** is definitely coming home on the 19th; her P.O. called her, and told her that the judge had signed the order for her release. There will be ongoing home-based counseling; once a week to start, more if we need it. She still has 5 months of probation left, and then is free of the system.
     **** seems to be such a different child--she is generous, and enjoys giving to others; she has a new sense of appropriateness, in dress, make-up, behavior, etc.
     I saw the eye doctor last week, and this time, I can go three months before the next appointment (as long as there aren't any problems, of course). My vision is definitely affected (astigmatism), and the left eye doesn't open as much as the right one--but I still have my eye, and I can still see, even if it is very blurry, and will require a major change in my prescription for my glasses. Better than a black eye patch!! I'm still on the combo therapy for the Hepatitis C, but the opthamologist doesn't really think that the Interferon has made that much difference--he thinks that it's more the surgery, and the eye drops.
     **** will be home again this next weekend, and may have a friend spend the night with her--something that hasn't happened for a long, long time.
     That tunnel, the one with the light at the end of it, is finally getting brighter. Someday, maybe we will be out of it completely--!

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     June 15, '99

     Well, **** came home on May 19th for good. She is still on probation until October 6th, and there will be in-home counseling once a week, but for all intents and purposes, she is done with the system.
     Things get touchy once in a while; I don't know how much is trying to adjust to being home, and what is her testing her limits. One day she's sweet as can be, and the next she's a bitch on wheels.
     ****'s report card came--all 'F's. She wants to attend the same high school next year that she went to when she was in the group home, but since she's at home now, it's out of district, and would require the school to okay her going. I don't think they will. She hasn't shown any interest in doing the work, just in the social aspect of school. Maybe her best bet is to get her GED, and go to work--I really don't know what to do.
     **** has been doing a lot of artwork, and a couple of sewing projects, but as for the things that I ask for her to do, that is still a battle.
     I don't know what to do--I can't deal with the thought that things haven't really changed, that the last 16 months were a waste, that it could all happen again.
     I'll try to add to this again soon, and not wait as long the next time!

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     July 8, '99

     Still no job for ****--she has gone today with the father of a friend to put in some applications.
     For whatever reason, **** keeps going off her meds. When this happens, she reverts right back to being a bitch on wheels. Snippy, nasty-tempered, and sarcastic (the entire family is sarcastic, but this is MEAN sarcastic). She helps as little as possible, sleeps every chance she gets, and fights with her older sister every time they get together. So far, she's getting along with her brother; but that may be because if she alienates him, she can't use his computer to talk to friends she's made on the 'Net. I need to talk to her PO, I guess, and see what she recommends.
     Ack! I'm so tired out with all of this--if I survive raising her, I may kill her!
     Later--!

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     October 28, '99

     I can't believe that it's been so long since I last wrote in here. We moved, and were unable to get back online immediately--I've felt like my lifeline was cut!!
       Things are lots better with ****--she is in an alternative school, and doing well (two 'A's!). She had a job, but it didn't work out, and she's presently looking for another one. She's getting along with her family, has friends, is proud of her progress, and has been off probation for two days now!
     **** isn't wearing the dark colors exclusively, the extreme make-up, or the defiant attitude that was her costume in the past. She, and her bedroom, are
well-kept and cute, and she seems to take pride in both now.
     We have actually had a couple of family outings in the last couple of weeks, including going to the State Fair. She's much more loving, too. Her counselor took **** and I out to dinner Monday night, to celebrate the end of ****'s probation, and the end of the family counseling. We went out for a nice Mexican dinner, and had a good time.
     **** seems to be making a better effort to remember to take her meds, and has conversations with us now, instead of screaming matches. Is all this the result of the meds, the counseling, being in the system for so long, or growing up?? Probably all of it, to some extent--and her desire to make changes in her own life, too.
     Actually looking forward to the holidays this year--!
     Love and hope for everyone who reads this--

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     November 17, 1999

     Not many more entries for this year, or this millenium--next week is Thanksgiving, and from there it is a downhill ride to the holidays. I love Christmas, but the financial part kills me! My oldest and her family will be here for both holiday dinners, and a friend that I have known for 18 years will be coming over on Thanks-giving, with her son. I'm looking forward to cooking the dinners for both holidays, since last year I was unable to due to the Hepatitis C attacking my left eye. I LOVE baking, and watching other people eat food that I've prepared.
     **** has a new job, working as a cashier at a catalog showroom store. I told her that cashiering was a valuable tool, that a person could always get a job if they knew how to cashier. She's been taking her meds a little more regularly, and it's reflected in her better attitude. I hope that it continues--I could get used to this!!
     My support group has grown so much, and I've met such wonderful people through it--I really enjoy being on the computer, and on the 'Net.
     The new year will see the second anniversary with my husband, and our entry into the second millenium together. I hope that we'll see every New Year's in each other's company, and that all of you have someone that makes you feel special, too.
     Happy Thanksgiving, and Happy Holidays, whether you celebrate Christmas, Hannukah, or Kwanza (sp?).

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     November 22, '99

     Didn't really think that I'd be back before the holidays, but I need to vent!! It seems to me like **** is doing everything she can to lose this new job. She asked to get off early one night, and has already called in "sick" one day--she's only worked a total of 3 days, I think. She's making that mistake that a lot of kids make, of not only thinking that they are indispensable, but can always find another job anywhere, anytime.
     She called me a little while ago to tell me that she's staying late at school to make up 'tardies'--when did these occur?? She leaves here with time to spare each morning! At this point, all I'm trying to do is get her to her 18th birthday. Then, if she decides to mess up her life, it'll be a decision that she makes as an adult, and will pay adult consequences.
     The weather is finally cooling off, which will make Thanksgiving a little more holiday-like. We have a huge menu planned, and 4 guests, besides my oldest and her family. A total of 10 adults, 2 children, and 1 baby. Not too big a crowd. I love to cook for others!
     Have to go and get ready for a friend's wedding. We're going to pick up my oldest to go with us.
     Happy Holidays!

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     December 2, 1999

     Well, she's done it again...managed to lose this second job. Of course, that's what happens when you're new kid on the block, and you not only ask to get off early 'cuz you want to see your boyfriend, but call in 2 hours late to see if you were scheduled to work that day---! So, we're back to square one. She had big plans for buying Christmas gifts for everyone this year, but that's not an option now!
     She's head-over-heels over a guy that is one and a half years younger than she is. She's gotten some ribbing about the age difference, but she's following in her mother's footsteps, I guess! My husband is 12 years younger than I am. It's not the age, it's the maturity, right?
     I don't know what to say to her to give her motivation. I don't give her money, so she doesn't have that source of income; the only money I give her is $2 a day for lunch. She's probably using that money towards cigarettes, anyway. :-( I know she's still smoking when she's not at home.
     I forgot to write that I found out that **** had been smoking pot on Halloween night. I think that she was expecting me to blow up, but I didn't. I DID tell her that I was disappointed in her, that I thought we had gotten past that. Ever since probation ended, I think she's been less afraid of any consequences for hings she does. I don't know.
     We're on the road to Christmas, and the end of not only the year and the century, but the Millenium.
     Talk to you later!

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     January 31, 2000

     Well, so much for Y2K--! All that hype and the hoarding, etc., and nothing happened.
     Haven't written for a while--no excuses, either, other than the fatigue has been bad. I have an app't with the doctor this next month to get checked for diabetes, since it can be a side effect of the Hepatitis.
     **** has a boyfriend named @@@@, who went to the same school she did until recently. He's 1 1/2 years younger than she is. He has his own problems, and spends most of his time either grounded from going anywhere, talking on the 'phone, or both. His father's a lawyer, and while he seems to be very nice in some regards, he's much more tolerant of some other behaviors than I am.
     We (**** and I) are still having some problems. She doesn't want to continue taking her meds, and her behavior gets really bad then. She yells, acts out, and is very bitingly sarcastic about everything. Now mind you, I love good sarcasm, but she carries it above and beyond. She's saying that resuming the meds now is causing her to not concentrate in class.
     She can be such a neat kid--when she takes her meds. I know what not taking them can do, from firsthand experience. I've been going through another period of visual and audio hallucinations, and my psych dr. has changed my meds accord-ingly. I wish I had known at her age what was causing the problems I was having--I might have been able to avoid some of the situations I found myself in over the years!
     **** has decided that she won't use Voc Rehab to help her get a job, or to assist her with cost of purchasing clothes that any particular job may require
(uniforms, etc.). I feel that she's throwing away a wonderful opportunity to have free job-seeking assistance, but that's her problem. Someday, she'll realize what she did, and kick herself in the tookas for it.
     Gotta go--lots of stuff that needs to be done, and very little energy to spare! Can you believe that we're already a month into the new year?
     Talk to you in February!

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