Diary: page 5

**** is living back at home again--her boyfriend threatened to hurt her, and she had nowhere to go. It was to be for three weeks--that was 5 months ago! She may have a new job soon, and will be moving in with her friend. It has been touch-and-go with her here--her temper still erupts suddenly, and she just can't get along with Nathan for love or money. Fifteen minutes after she comes into the room, she has him in tears. It's ridiculous.

I've had a lot of surgeries in the last year--both hands for carpal tunnel, three ingrown toenails, and the most recent, surgery to remove a pinched nerve in my right foot. It wouldn't heal, and I had to have another surgery to remove all the dead tissue from the first one. It left a huge hole in my foot, which the doctor wanted to heal from the inside out, with no stitches. I had a "wound vac" on my foot for three weeks--a device that attaches to you, and uses suction to remove drainage, and promote blood circulation to the area. It was gross. I had a semi-permanent iv line inserted into my arm, which ran around inside my shoulder and down to just above my heart. I did injections into the line three times a day for six weeks. I am tired of hospitals, doctors, and medications at this point.

While I was bed-bound with this, I got little-to-no help from ****. She (and the rest of my family) seemed to think that I could catch up on all of it when I got better--and that's what I have been doing for the last week. I'm still not allowed to drive, and if I'm on my foot for too long, it turns an angry red and burns.

**** is once again unemployed. Her father's wife was killed in a car accident about a month ago, and her job told her to take a few days to help her dad make the funeral arrangements, etc. When she wanted to go back to work, they had filled her position already. So, it's back to the ranks of the unemployed--

**** has moved out of here into an apartment with a friend of hers, and is once more facing eviction. She will be moving in with her dad soon. They will either be good for each other, or kill each other, they're so much alike. She has an awful lot of crap to get out of my back bedroom, where she was staying--and her father is just as bad a packrat as she is. I've been having some health problems, so it's probably just as well that **** doesn't live here anymore. I just don't have the strength to fight with her. She is so jealous of my grandson, whom I am raising--she can't be in the same room with him for 15 minutes without making him cry and run for his room. She's nasty-tempered, moody, and a slob--not in her person, but all around her. Being bipolar, she cleans like a whirlwind when she's on a "high"--but otherwise, forget it.

**** is here to supposedly help me get some things done in the house--and she's managed to get in several fights with Nathan so far. She's 21, he's not even 8--not for 9 more days--and she feels that she has to berate, belittle, and browbeat him all the time. I really don't understand it at all.

****'s still not working--still living with her dad. They have screaming fits with each other--he doesn't approve of her friends or the lifestyle she chooses to lead, and resents having to support her at her age. She resents him harping at her to get a job, and his religious leanings. He's uncomfortable with a lot of the stuff she wants to watch or listen to.

Oldest daughter isn't working, either, although she did an 11-day study on smoking, where she was isolated and her habits observed, and her blood and urine tested constantly. She earned a lot of money for it, and said she was going to help us out with some money, but it never happened--good thing I never held my breath waiting, isn't it??

My son is coming home for Christmas--I'm so glad, since he wasn't able to come home for the holidays last year. He's looking forward to lots of good food, and family time. Hopefully, his sister will be on good behavior.

I just don't know what to do. When **** comes over here, she fights with my husband, picks on Nathan, belittles my brother-in-law, and argues with me. While here, she does her laundry, uses my phone, watches my tv, and generally makes herself at home--but makes everyone else here wish she'd leave, and take her attitude with her. She only can maintain a pleasant demeanor for a short time, then she reverts to the person that my husband calls, "La Bruja"--Spanish for "The Witch". She has such a rude awakening coming in life--someday, someone is going to call her on her behavior, and maybe lay her out flat when she mouths off to them.

Charlie and I did Thanksgiving alone this year--never again. I'm looking forward to cooking the Christmas dinner, and the hubbub and bustle of having everyone here. Not much longer--!

**** still isn't working, still living with her dad. She still has a rotten attitude, still not putting much of an effort into getting work. She has called to get information on Job Corps, and that's supposed to come in the mail this week. She was here this last weekend, telling me that she was here to help me with the house (I've been really sick)--but the real reason was that she was hoping her boyfriend (who's in the Marines) would call her here. She doesn't have a 'phone at her dad's apartment.

Christmas was wonderful--Keith was here from the 20th until the 1st. He's such a good kid (kid?? he'll be 21 in June!). Just re-upped for an additional 2 years in the Navy. That'll be a total of 8 years, if he doesn't go for more.

Oldest daughter has signed up for veterinary school, to be an assistant. Hope she sticks with it.

The other 2 grandsons were here for most of the Christmas holiday--it was good to see them. We don't get to see them very often. They are so much better behaved now that they are in school! A real pleasure to be around, funny and smart.

Happy St. Patrick's day--I didn't do the usual corned beef and cabbage dinner, as I am on new anti-depressants, and they really knocked me out. The new meds are to help me cope with the bankruptcy and other issues that just became too much for me to handle on my own. In fact, I awoke this evening to find a friend of mine had come to visit, and no one had woke me up! Her son and my grandson go to school together.

**** has a job, and seems to enjoy it. She's been woking since the end of February, and really likes having a paycheck. She is thinking now about finding her own apartment, and leaving her dad's place. They tend to go at it like cats and dogs, so it will be good for both of them. The job is on a temporary basis right now, but she has a good chance of being hired permanently soon. I hope she gets decent benefits, and can get started on her psych. meds again.

**** has a boyfriend now, who's in the Marines. He'll be out of the service soon, and back here. She can hardly wait! He puts up with her moodiness--it must be love!

Speaking of love, younger son is in love with a wonderful girl. She is in college learning to design cars, and seems to feel the same way about ***** that he feels about her. They are both very strong in their faith. My son even went to her father to ask permission to court his daughter!! How often do you hear of that nowadays?

Grandson is having difficulties in school, and may end up being left back a year, if things don't change. Poor kid--he's struggling. I think he's hyper-active, but don't want to get on that treadmill of medications and all that they (the school system and doctors) seem to automatically do to kids.

Husband is still working hard, and smoking too much. Says he'll quit--look for flying pigs.

I've started writing the book telling of the start of our support group, and the situations that we have tackled in there. The members are the ones who insisted that I do this, and have already chosed who they want to portray them in the movie, and who their leading man should be!

Oldest daughter is now going to veterinary school, to be an assistant. We'll see if she follows through. I shouldn't be so cynical, but I have years of practice at it, I'm afraid.

Mom has recovered from breast cancer, and both parents are doing well. Hope I do as well when I'm their age! They are being my cheering section for my writing--I love them very much.

Will write again soon. Hope you and yours have a wonderful Easter, and that Spring is a beautiful time for you.

**** is moving out of her dad's apartment, and in with her sister in a couple of weeks. I personally don't think that it'll work in the long run, based on the past, but I have been known to be wrong in the past--a couple of times!! LOL.

**** is still working the receptionist job, and it looks like she'll be hired on full-time. She has broken up with her boyfriend--I think that it's because she's hanging around with her much older sister, and it's inconvenient to be tied down when your sister is partying.

Son is still at sea--and his girlfriend has both called and emailed me since he left. She seems like such a sweetheart! I'll be glad to see both of them in June, when they're coming to visit for a week.

Oldest daughter is studying at veterinary assistant's school, and has gotten a part-time job, as well. Hope that it all works out for her.

Support group is up to almost 400 members--such great people. Even my best friend joined recently!

Well, **** had a job, and moved in with her sister, who was going to veterinary school--and then it all fell apart. **** lost her job, and hasn't found another one yet; and her older sister quit school, and is working at a tanning salon. I'm so disappointed! I was hoping she'd stick with this. They're starting to bicker amongst themselves, and I can see it all falling apart. I tried to warn them that this would happen--they are both too strong-willed to live together.

**** will be 22 this month, and she still has so much to do to get her life together. By her age, I had been married for 4 years! Not that I want her to marry anytime soon--I did it WAY too soon, and regretted it ever since. I do want her to find some stability, though, somewhere, somehow.

My gastroenterologist says my Hep C is worse, but my insurance won't pay for the course of medication. It means that all I can do is to watch my weight and eating habits, leave alcohol alone, and check in every six months. Maybe there will be another cure discovered, or my insurance will change their mind (yeah, right!). My mom has told me to cherish every day, and I'm trying to do that.

My son comes home for a visit next month, and is bringing his girlfriend of 7 months--I have a feeling, a strong one, that she will end up being my daughter-in-law. He goes out to sea again in November.

So far my mom is still free of her breast cancer--it's been almost a year now since her surgery. She and my dad have both decided to retire, finally--they are 73.

Nathan is doing well, and attending summer school for three weeks. Fun things, like crafts and making things that fly.

**** has been accepted by Job Corps, where she will not only get her high school equivalency certificate, but also her high school diploma. She will learn how to drive, and be studying to be a computer technician--hey, I'll have someone to fix my computer close to hand!! Always a good thing. Maybe she'll be able to teach me a few things at the same time. Get double use out of the government's money! She is living with her dad again until she goes in, probably after the first of the year.

My younger sister died this month, on the 11th, of cirrohsis. She was only 50, and I'll miss her terribly. I shared a bedroom with her all of our childhood years. She was ****'s godmother. Went back to Iowa to help my parents and sisters clear up her affairs--a good time of year to visit Iowa, a terrible reason to be there.

Membership in the group is up over 465--we turned 6 on the 10th of this month! What a quick 6 years it has been.

Put grandson into Cub Scouts last week--he is so excited. I was a Girl Scout leader for many years, so I hope I can be of some use to the den.

Son has had to go through all 4 hurricanes that have hit Florida this year so far--he's not sure when he'll be able to come home for his next visit. It was supposed to be on Christmas, but now no one knows when it'll be, since repairs have been put on hold until the weather clears up for a while. He and his girlfriend are still together, and doing well. I really like her a lot.

Other 2 grandsons are moving to the Valley, where I'll be able to see them a lot more frequently. More often, for shorter periods of time--perfect, as far as I'm concerned! Better than twice or three times a year, for a week at a time--they get homesick, and I get burned out.

I logged in to write in here, and couldn't believe the date of the last posting in here. Over a year ago! So much has gone on--I'll try to put it all in here--it's either write in here or wash the dishes!

Let's see--after my two other grandsons came to the Valley to live, we began to hear stories from the older of the two about how the live-in girlfriend was treating him. She was abusing him, selling his toys in yard sales, sending him to school unshowered after he wet the bed the night before, and he would cry when it was time to go back home after staying here for the weekend. So, after having him over for Christmas, his mother returned the younger brother, who had always recieved preferential treatment, and told the father that she was keeping the older brother with her from then on. As you can imagine, all hell broke loose, but we eventually were able to drive back to my house.

Unforeseen complication: my daughter was unable to take her son to her apartment, because it was a one bedroom, and the lease forbade children. So, who got another grandchild at her house? That's right--me! I figured that it wouldn't cost much more to feed another mouth, and the two boys wore just about the same size clothes, so I said okay. It was to be temporary, just to the end of the school year.

The next several months were interesting, to say the least. It turned out that this little boy had multiple problems, including the bedwetting. He would wet himself at school and require me to drive a change of clothes up there for him. He was stealing from neighbors, stealing from us, lying to us about anything and everything, and wet on the couches and his brother's bed. I was always washing quilts and blankets that stunk of urine--lots of fun.

In June, I was hospitalized with a full manic episode--there were hallucinations (audio and visual), lapses of memory, deep depression, and delusions. I was in for two weeks. My daughter had to take the boys to her place after all, and decided that my emotional problems would prevent me from being able to properly supervise her children. Never mind that I had been doing it for five years already! Two weeks after returning home, I was back in the hospital for another week. My medications were changed, and I started getting in-home counseling, which I am still recieving. Between the two, I am so much better now--and I have to say, I am better as a part-time grandma, like on the weekends.

When my daughter moved into a house where the boys would have their own bedrooms, she had **** move in with her, with the understanding that **** would be the nanny. It didn't take long for that to go sour. **** wanted to get a job, so that she would have money and time of her own, and the two daughters had a big argument about it. It resulted in **** being told to leave. She didn't want to go back to her dad's one bedroom apartment, sleeping on a rollaway bed in the living room; and she didn't want to live with her boyfriend, who she had been dating for only a month. So, guess where she is?? She had promised to clean the back bedroom for me for several months now, so I told her that if she cleaned it, she could move into it for now. She is to look for work, and not to argue with my husband or my brother-in-law who lives with us. Once she's working, she is to pay rent, and she's not to stay up 'til all hours on the 'phone (she gets loud, and it wakes us up). We'll see how it goes.

****'s depression has been really bad, and she's not getting any help for it. I hope she sees a doctor for it soon, before she scares off her boyfriend!

My son will be home for Thanksgiving, but not for Christmas. We plan to celebrate both holidays for him while he's here, putting up the tree early and giving him his gifts.

The year is almost over--hard to believe that another one's over with already. Time goes so quickly!

***** is home again, like i said last month, and so far there is no job, and no school. Her boyfriend is history--she says that he got too kinky, and she couldn't handle it. Yuck. So, she's looking again. She fights with my husband all the time, unless she wants a cigarette or a ride somewhere, and it's getting old fast. Every time I rescue her, I think that this time it will be different--and each time we end up supporting her, while she stays up 'til all hours on the 'phone and the computer, and sleeps all day. She thinks that when she and Charlie fight, that I should take her side on things, since she's my daughter, not thinking about the fact that he's my husband, and that they're tearing me apart. So I withdraw--with the result that both of them end up mad at me. I can't win. All I want is for her to get on with her life, on her own, so that I can get on with mine. If I end up asking her to leave, things will get ugly between us, and I really don't want that to happen---

My oldest has gotten a good job, working as a financial aid advisor at a state-wide beauty college. Things finally seem to be falling into place for her. Her second-oldest has gone through some rough times, and is in counseling. He has been placed in the psychiatric wing of the hospital twice this year, and goes to Respite on the weekends, to give his mother a break from his behavior and attitude. He's only 8, but she really has her hands full with him.

The oldest son of one of my original group members spent the holidays with us. He moved to Phoenix from Texas with nowhere to go, so I had his mom tell him to call me if he needed anything. I got along with him just fine, but **** was jealous of my talking to him, I guess, and the two of them couldn't get along for anything. He left two days after Christmas; I don't know where he's going to stay now, but he had a friend coming in that he was going to get a place with. I hope things work out for him. He has spent a lot of his life homeless, I guess, out on the streets, and I would like to see him get things together and go back to school, like he discussed with me.

It didn't even seem like Christmas here in Phoenix. It was 85* on Christmas Day, and people were running around in sandals and sleeveless shirts at the mall! We braved the crowds the day after Christmas, and had a ball shopping the sales with the gift cards that my oldest had given to us. I was able to get a new pair of pajamas, and some pretty gold jewelry with mine. Charlie gave me jewelry for my birthday and our anniversary, and a beautiful set of mystic fire topazes for Christmas--I'm gorgeous!! LOL

My son ships out next month for almost three months. I hate it when he's gone for that long--the e-mail communication is spotty, at best, and I miss talking to him on the telephone. He called Christmas morning to talk to everyone, and said that it was the worst Christmas he had ever had--broke my heart. My package hasn't gone out to him yet, since I was waiting for something to arrive that I had ordered, but it should get in the mail this next week. I put in gifts, Christmas ornaments, etc., and hope to put in some cookies and all, as well. At least he'll get it all before he goes out on the boat.

The group has over 1,100 members now, and is full of wonderful, caring, empathetic parents that I am grateful for every day, not only for myself, but for all the new people who come there looking for someone to talk to that won't censure or judge them. It is full of advice and comfort, and there are more soft shoulders to cry on in there than you can imagine! I am truly thankful that I started it in 1998; I had no idea how much it would end up meaning to me, though.

**** is over at her sister's house; she spent the night, babysitting for the boys while their mom went out. I get so much done when she isn't here--don't know why that is.

New Year's night, when we came home from having dinner at my in-law's, **** and Charlie got into it again. She flipped him off, he told her to get out of his house, she called him names, he threatened to break her finger if she flipped him off one more time (she does it regularly), and I tried to mediate. The upshot of it is, she'll be leaving to move back into her dad's apartment in a couple of weeks. I hate to see her go back to living in the living room of his one-bedroom apartment, but she does it to herself. She and her dad are a lot alike--they'll either get along famously, or kill each other. All I know is, I can't take the fighting, the rudeness, the foul mouth, or the lack of help any longer.

I have been so sad these last few days. It all started on the 10th, Charlie's birthday. He came home in a foul mood, snapping at **** as she was standing there frosting a birtday cake that she had made him. Once again, I had to mediate between them.

Later, Charlie told me that he had had a message on his cellphone from his sister, telling him that he had to get the rent over to her, or she would put the house up for sale. I had asked him the previous week to tell her that the we could pay the lion's share of the rent, but because of a dispute with my bank, that we would pay the last bit on this Friday, when he gets paid again. He didn't call her, even after being reminded several times, so she ended up being angry.

It turns out that Charlie has been leading his family to believe that our financial straits, our pending bankruptcy, our losing our home--that it is all my fault. When his sister was talking crap about me, he didn't defend me--it was easier to let them think that he was blameless, and that I am some kind of spending fool. Never mind that he has run two checking accounts into the ground (they are included in our bankruptcy); or that he goes through at least $20 a day on cigarettes, stuff to drink at work, things to eat, etc. Never mind that he can't control himself when it comes to money, and spends any cash he has on him, or that I had to cash in all my of change the previous week to give him money for work. I had been saving it to take him out for his birthday. Never mind that he *had* to have a black powder rifle kit for Christmas, even though it cost $200, or that he invited the neighbors to go out with us this Friday, his treat, for his birthday.

I feel distrusted, disrespected, betrayed. He won't talk to me about it, so the communication that I had always prized between us has started breaking down. I don't know how to make it better, or what he can possibly do to change how I'm feeling right now. I can't stop crying, my depression is running rampant, I have sores in my mouth from stress, my ulcer is flaring up, and the migraines are unbearable. I self-destruct when I feel like this. I have torn up my fingers from biting and picking at them, and can't sleep worth a d@mn. When I do sleep, it's full of bad dreams.

My counselor came today, and I talked to her; I called to talk to my case manager about how I am feeling, but not only have they changed the person who is in charge of my file, but she's not in the office today. I ended up crying and sniffling to some guy (that I've never met) on the 'phone, who said that he would have my new case manager call me. That was a couple of hours ago. I feel like I did before I went into the psychiatric hospital this last summer.

Charlie and I have talked a few times about what happened earlier in the month, but nothing is resolved.

I'm giving us until the month of May to figure out what to do. If things are still up in the air by then, my intention is to get a small apartment, and move out. Maybe things can be better worked on with some space between us. I know he loves me, and I love him, but I need to have trust, respect, and communication in our relationship.

I've never lived alone before, and I'm not sure how I'll feel. I went straight from my parents' home to foster homes. After that, I was married and had kids. It'll be different, I know, and in some ways it'll be easier (dishes, laundry, cleaning up for one person).

**** has moved back to her dad's. still no job, no school, no anything. don't know how she's going to survive--and I can't worry about it anymore.

I have decided to get a part-time job, and to get out on my own. I'll have to get a legal seperation, to be able to get SSDI--it means the difference of $300 a month. I want to get a large one bedroom, or a small two bedroom. I have too much stuff to get a studio. I also want to be able to take two of my cats, so I won't be completely alone, you know?

Had my first job interview/testing this morning, but I didn't get the job. A shock to my system--I've never applied for a job that I didn't get before. It's been 15 years this month since I had my first breakdown, and last worked. A lifetime ago--

My oldest daughter lost that great job she had gotten--she had to take her son to an emergency dr's app't. she was told that if she took the time off, to keep on walking! Actually, the school has new owners, and things were changing in a way that no one liked. Now she's wanting to take the postal exam, to work as a window clerk.

Son is out at sea--got my first e-mail from him this weekend. i send e-mails, they go to the east coast, and there they sit until the sub comes up to refresh their air supply. Then they fire off all the messages that are to go to that sub. Which reminds me, I need to write him again--

Good news! I interviewed for Chase Bank, and got the position that I wanted! I start on the 20th, as a part-time teller at a branch less than a mile away from me. I used to be a teller at Valley Nat'l Bank many moons ago. They offered me the position at $1 an hour more than they had stated at the interview! I'm so happy! Lots of prayers from friends and family helped me get the job. Thanks to everyone!

**** still isn't working--don't know what she's going to end up doing, or when. She and her dad are feuding today--she's venting on the 'phone right now. Ack!

Things are worse between Charlie and me. I am determined that when I have enough money under my belt, I am getting my own place, and going to live my own life. I'm terrible unhappy with him--mostly, the feeling I have for him is resentment.

Oldest daughter has gotten a good job at a lawyer's office, and loves it. She seems to be trying to straighten up her life--at 29, it's about time!