Diary: Page 2

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     Jan. 12, 1999

     A new year--will it mean a new beginning? I hope so.
       **** was home for the holidays, and it went fairly well, I think. We spent Christmas Day here, as a family, and dinner was at my sister's. Another sister and her family had come in from Utah, so there were a lot of people there. **** kept to herself during the evening,   drawing with the art supplies she had received from the home for Christmas.
       The only real incident was the next day, when my nephew called and said that **** had left with his yoyo. This angered ****, who felt that she wasn't being given credit for all the changes she's tried to make. On her behalf, Yes, I feel that they were too quick in accusing her; but on the other hand, none of my family has seen her in over a year, and don't know how hard she's worked to get past all the old behaviors. All they have to go on is what they saw in the past.
     By the end of the three days home, **** was getting antsy, and was ready to go back to the home, I think. What will she do when she is here for good, and the pressure starts to get to her? Where will she go then?
     New Year's was spent at my in-law's--they have a special dinner for that holiday, with a champagne toast for the new year to come. **** is not supposed to have ANYTHING to drink, but they asked her to "have a sip"---
which blows her 'days sober' in NA. **** was pretty mad that she didn't get to come home for New Year's Eve, but I felt that Charlie and I needed to go out and celebrate our anniversary, without worrying about whether **** was staying home, or what she was doing. Maybe that was selfish, on our part, but sometimes you have to take a break, in order to keep your perspective.
     **** was home this last weekend, too, and I saw some old behaviors. She's doing better at the home, and has earned her Level 2. She has also been given a room to herself, a big step. But here at home, she left her room a mess, and took three hours to wash the dishes for me. It took several prompts to get them done. Otherwise, we had a good time, goofing around while her brother was on the 'puter, and Charlie alternated between building the go-cart and watching the football game.
     **** will be home this weekend, a 3-day one, since it's Martin Luther King Day. Next weekend, she'll be staying at the home--the kids have to spend a certain number of days in the home each month. She's not happy with that, but will have to deal with it--it's all part of following, and accepting, the rules.
     My support group is doing well, I feel; we now have 24 members, and there have been almost 4,000 hits on the page since I started it. It's gratifying to think that, in a small way, I might have helped parents with similar issues.
     Thank all of you.

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     Feb. 2, 1999

     Let me warn you ahead of time--this is a long entry. Get a cup of coffee, a cigarette if you need one, and put your feet up.
       Another month--I've not made many entries, because I had another surgery in January, and it caused me more pain than the one in November had. I could only tolerate the light from the computer moniter for a short while at a time, and used that time mainly to check on the support group, and to answer some of the e-mail. It's getting really old, not leaving the house--I feel a little like a vampire bat!
     **** wasn't here for that weekend--she had to stay at the home, and had a fit. Because of not being able to have a pass, she became beligerent to the staff and other girls, and even kicked a staff member that confronted her. I don't yet know if there will be charges brought against her or not, but it won't look good to the judge reviewing her case this month.
     This last weekend, **** spent her time with her older sister. They got haircuts, and did "girl" things together. She'll be here this weekend, however.
     This last week, we had a staffing--her probation officer, her counselor, staff members from the house, etc. We reviewed the things that had been problems in the past, and discussed what, if any, had changed. The general consensus was that there was a lot of improvement in most areas--but, to be frank, I feel that there is a lot more to do before she comes home to stay. Like the weekend that she couldn't come home, for an example--she couldn't contain her rage, and struck out physically at an adult. There are still many feelings that she can't deal with yet, and I worry about how they'll surface, and how she'll handle them when they do.
     Another topic was her schoolwork. **** tried to tell those present that although her grades were dismal now, that she fully intended to bring them up this next grading period. I interjected at this point, and told the panel that this had been her pattern since 7th grade, when she entered junior high school. When the mid-term reports would come home, indicating that she was failing her classes, she would promise that the report card would reflect improvement--but that never happened. I would always get the same promises, and the same results (i.e.: arrangements with the teacher, extra homework, make-up tests, etc.). I had tried making special arrangements with her teachers, and with her counselors; I had tried rewards and bribery; I had tried threats and grounding; and I finally gave up. I told **** that she was soon to be an adult, and needed to start taking responsibility for her own grades, and for her own actions and their consequences. I told her that I was tired, bone-tired, of trying to get her to take care of things that were her responsibility, only to be screamed at for my efforts. I know that friends, family, and the school probably felt that I was handling things incorrectly, but it was my last effort at trying to have **** be her own person. I had no reserves left, and it wasn't fair to the rest of my family. All they were were getting was the dregs of me that were left, and having to endure interminable fighting and tension. At this point, **** should be a junior in high school, but I really don't think she even has enough credits to qualify as a sophomore!
     We all agreed that **** is a very pretty, VERY talented young woman--she's a talented artist, has a good voice, and can be intelligent and witty, when she wants to be. She is, however, lazy, and won't apply herself--she didn't want to practice her singing, or playing the viola, so those outlets for her talents went by the wayside.
     We also agreed, however, that if **** doesn't get her way, such as the home pass, she becomes verbally and physically abusive. My home has been stress-free since **** entered the system in January of 1998, and I don't think I could go back to the hate-filled atmosphere that permeated this house before I got her placed. I WON'T have another breakdown, not for her or anyone; I have health problems to deal with, and a family that needs me to be able to function.
     The bottom line is, I am apprehensive about her return, and feel that there are still issues that need to be addressed. ****, as well as the rest of the family, needs to know that there is some recourse if things start to fall apart after she comes home. I don't want to start all over again...I don't think I could do it again, quite frankly.
     Later, 'gator.

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     Feb. 5, '99

     I don't know if **** will be coming home this weekend or not--if she does, it will only be for a day pass on Sunday.
     There was a fight at the home this last week, and although **** was warned to stay out of it, she jumped in with both feet. The police were called, and she's on restriction as a result. That will make her mad, she 'll most probably act out, and she may not even get that day pass...what a vicious circle.
     Sometimes it seems like she does all she can to ensure that she will stay in the system as long as she possibly can.