Parenting Troubled Teens
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Wasn't it easier for our parents.....?


I'm a 53-yr.old mother of three, and I 
have chronic Hepatitis C and am bipolar
                                    (manic depressive).  Both conditions 
complicated the problems with
                                    my 
daughter--I ran out of energy quickly, 
and the fighting exhausted me.  The 
first page of the diary connected with 
this goes into the Hepatitis C further.
 
ln 1997, I was a single mom.  My kids 
are 22, 23, and 29; the youngest is 
now
                                    in the Navy as a nuclear technician.  
The oldest daughter had given over the 
raising of her boys to others, including 
the oldest (10) to my husband and me
until last year.  The others are 7 and 8, 
and the youngest is being raised by his 
father.  (Update:  the two older boys 
are now with their mother, and we've 
not had any contact from the youngest
                                    
or his father in
                                    over a year.  Just before 
Christmas of '04 was the last time we 
saw either of them.)
 
In 1996 and 1997, my (now) 23 year 
old daughter ran away
                                    several times, 
used
                                    both drugs and alcohol, ditched 
school, was charged and put on 
probation for theft and assault on her 
(former)
                                    stepmother, and was so 
moody and angry that I cringed when 
she walked in the door.  So terrible to 
feel that way about your own child!  
She dressed all in black, was fascinated 
with anything concerning the occult, 
and not only had carved a pentagram in
her leg, but also the words, "devil 
child".   (Years later, the
                                    scar is still 
visible.)  She caused her older sister
                                    to 
lose one of her twins by kicking her in the 
abdomen, left bruises on her brother's 
neck from trying to strangle him, and 
chased him with kitchen knives.  
 
She couldn't be trusted to be left at our
home alone, since she stole money, 
jewelry, lingerie, and anything else that 
interested her. When questioning her, 
you
                                    had to be careful how you posed 
the
                                    query; if you asked *** if she had 
something of yours, she would say 
"no"--and feel that it was the truth--
because it was not in her possession at 
*that* moment.  You had
                                    to phrase your 
questions carefully, like asking, "Did 
you take (specific item)
                                    out of 
(whatever area) (at any time)?".  
Infuriating.
                                    On a brighter note, now 
that we are healing as a family, she is 
able to tell me, little by little, about the 
things
                                    that she took, and how
                                    badly 
she feels for those actions now.  She is 
determined that she will replaced those 
things.
 
She is maturing a lot, and likes to show 
her affection.
                                                                        
I realized that **** had the power in 
our family--when had that happened?  
When
                                    did she start dictating how things 
would be done?  At what point had the 
privileges in her life gotten mixed up 
with the rights?  Rights include a safe 
home, decent meals, & clothing; the 
privileges
                                    are the extras, such as dates, 
television, allowance, and so on. The 
rights are automatic;  the privileges are 
earned.
                                    When **** stopped doing
                                    the 
dishes (or anything
                                    else, for that 
matter!), I had simultanously reached 
the end of my rope.  I had just had 
major surgery, my medications were off-
kilter, and for the
                                    first time I thought I 
would end up hospitalized for my own 
mental illness.  I went out to the
                                    kitchen, opened the cupboard, and took 
out a plate,
                                    bowl, and cup; I opened
                                    
the drawer, and got a spoon,
                                    knife, and 
fork.
                                    I put these items on the counter,
and told ****, "These are for you to 
eat with.  If you choose not to wash 
them, you will either have to eat off of 
dirty dishes, or skip that meal--it's up 
to you."  I made sure that her utensils 
were a little different from the everyday 
things used
                                    by the rest of us, so that I 
would know if she tried to slip her own 
things into the sink with our dishes.  I 
told her that she would have to get her 
clothes
                                    to the laundry, if she wanted 
clean clothes;  she would not get time 
to watch television, unless she did 
chores, such as sweeping the
                                    kitchen. 
An hour of work got her an hour of t.v., 
etc.   
 
When she left home the last time, we 
went in to try and clean up what
                                    she 
had done to her room.  There were 
dirty clothes stuffed in her drawers and
other
                                    small places; her mattress and 
pillows had been slit, to provide more 
hiding
                                    places; she had things hidden in 
the hems of her curtains; there were 
knives, sex toys, some Marilyn Manson 
posters, and things that made me sick 
to find.  Her dresser had old food in it 
that she had hoarded, and there were 
maggots--we just broke the dresser 
apart, and threw it in the trash.  We 
washed down the walls with bleach, 
threw away the curtains and other 
linens that had been in there, and 
hauled the mattresses to the dump.  
 
I got in-home counseling for ****, but 
she wouldn't cooperate with them.  I 
took her to be evaluated, but authoriza-
tions and approvals from the system 
were progressing
                                    much more slowly 
than her behavior, which was escalating 
at an alarming speed.  I needed more 
help, quickly, or she'd destroy not only 
herself,
                                    but my marriage and my family.
 
At the start of 1998, **** was placed in
a locked residential treatment center,
                                    
where she was diagnosed as bipolar, 
passive-aggressive, borderline person-
ality, and a slew of other things.  She
                                    
was placed on medications (Depakote 
and Wellbutrin), and sent to a therapeu-
tic group home, trying to make the 
transition to coming home again, 
possibly
                                    this summer.   (Update: **** 
is coming home for good on May 19th, 
1999--the order has been signed by 
the judge, and ****'s P.O. called her to 
confirm her return date this week!)  
(Further update: as of this writing, in 
Sept. of 2002, **** will no longer take 
any of her
                                    meds for her manic depression--she 
feels that they make her feel like she's 
"wrapped in cotton balls", and unable 
to react normally.)
                                    
My youngest is a good kid, and is the
                                    reason that I know that I have been
                                    a
                                    good mom, in spite of the choices that 
my girls made.  He was a good student, 
builds computers, is a strong believer in 
God, and a lot of fun.  He's also a good 
uncle to my grandsons,
                                    and is doing 
well in the Navy.  He re-enlisted for two 
more years.  He is now stationed in 
Georgia,
                                    and is on
                                    nuclear subs.   
 
I thank God for putting my husband in 
my life (we married 12/31/97, after
meeting on the 'Net).  He's a good step-
father and grandfather, even though he 
has
                                    no children of his own.  He's a 
caring, wonderful person, and even 
though I didn't think I would ever love 
someone enough to marry again, I 
hadn't counted on Charlie.  Life CAN be 
good!
                                    I've never once regretted my 
decision to choose him.
 
In the next section, I plan on keeping a 
diary of sorts, especially about my 23 
year old.  Maybe as I go through all of 
this, I can either get helpful
                                    advice from 
readers, or just vent my frustrations.  
And maybe, just maybe, my own story 
will help others.  I invite anyone to 
check out my support group page on 
Yahoo!, "Parenting Troubled Teens", 
listed in
                                    my links at the left. Good 
people, full of compassion, and caring.  
App. 1,300 members at this time (April 
2006).  If you have any comments or 
suggestions, please e-mail me.  Stop 
by the support group, and feel free to 
post messages on the board--I really
appreciate all the feedback I can get!

adopt your own virtual pet!
adopt your own virtual pet!

2countrylanehouses.gif

It doesn't get any easier.....

It makes it even harder to deal with the problems of teenagers when you are fighting battles on additional fronts, such as health ( I have Hepatitis C, with complications, and other problems), family issues (aging parents, alienated siblings), lifestyle changes (moving, marriage, divorce, finances), or loss of a friend or family member.  This is why we need to be able to talk to others, to be assured that THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL IS NOT ALWAYS A TRAIN, to know that others have survived in a relatively sane manner.

I contracted Hepatitis C in the '60's, by 
taking drugs with needles.  We had no idea then what the consequences would be, thirty years down the line.  I have proven to be resistant to the treatment, and can do nothing for now except watch what I eat, stay away from alcohol, and monitor my levels every six months to watch for cirrhosis.  The Hepatitis C itself tires you out and causes nausea.  The disease started causing the cornea in my left eye to melt in November of 1998, which called for constant doctor's supervision, hourly application of specially compounded eye drops, and surgeries to try and save the eye itself.  It seems that there are only two other known cases--just my luck!  The other two cases responded to Interferon therapy; but I was already on Interferon when my eye started deteriorating.  As of May '02, there has been loss of sight, but I've retained my eye.  It has remained sensitive to light, and I wear strong sunglasses when I'm out.
 
I'm disabled with manic-depression, like
my middle daughter, and high anxiety.  Somedays, it's all I can do to take care of my house and husband--my daughter knew that, and has always played on it.

If there is anyone else out there who has
suffered from the same type of complications from their Hep C, I would love to hear from you!

If you are needing a little extra help with
coping, don't feel bad; we all need a helping hand, once in a while.  Feel free to check out the support group I run at Yahoo; come as a guest, and stay as a member, if you'd like!  There is a link to that site, and a few others of interest, when you click on the "Links" button on the left side of your screen.  And 
visit the message board, if you wish, and leave your thoughts and suggestions. 

Thank you in advance for your time!

Like the love for our children
bloomingrose.gif
It is forever blossoming

Guide for Dealing with Kids:

The Rules of Love and Logic

by Jim Fay

Rule #1

1. Adults avoid anger, threats, warnings or lectures.

2. Adults use enforceable statements.

3. Children are offered choices within limits.

4. Limits are maintained with compassion, empathy, or understanding..

Rule #2

1. In a loving way, the adult holds the child accountable for solving his/her problems in a way that doesn't make problems for others.

2. Children are offered choices within limits.

3. Adults use enforceable statements.

4. Adults probide delayed/extended consequences.

5. The adult's empathy is "locked in" before consequences are delivered.

Maintaining Authority in the Classroom (or at home).

1. I'll listen as soon as your voice is as calm as mine.

2. I respect you too much to argue.

3. I take quiet classes to recess.

4. I teach when there are no distractions.

5. I grade papers handed in on time.

6. I feel sad for students who aren't prepared with their materials.

7. I listen to people with their hands raised..

Statements That Erode Teacher (Parent) Authority:

1. Talk to me in a polite tone of voice.

2. Be quiet.

3. Hand-in your papers on time.

4. Come to class prepared.

5. Respect each other.

6. Keep your hands to yourself.

7. Raise your hand if you want to talk.

Wise teachers (parents) never tell kids what to do. Instead, they tell them what they will do.

"I know it's hard being a new parent, but have confidence in yourself. You're a better parent than you think."
-D. Casavant, M.D
.

Please get in touch with any comments or to share your own experiences: